Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I want a musical about memes.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
