Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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