today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize