So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Randomize
