Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
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