I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
