Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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