omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
