Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize