He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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