Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize