Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize