Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
