One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
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