I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
