Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
