now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
