he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.  Â
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
