i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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