Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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