..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Girls should come with a carfax report
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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