I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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