I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
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