I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
