if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
