my soul wont recognize me after tonight
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I wish you could order shots online.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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