Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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