My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
