after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize