hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
you will always have a special place in my vag
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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