I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
