You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
