My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
