I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize