The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
