i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
