It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize