I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Randomize
