So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
someone owes me an orgasm
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize