don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
