Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
