just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
