I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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