Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I have feelings that need drinking.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
