Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
