just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
