i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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