my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
