i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
