the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
