Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
