yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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