If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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