wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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