So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
why do cheetos always look like penises
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
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