Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
