dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Randomize
