I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
