I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Dignity is for republicans.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
The Olympian is in my bed
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize