I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
being pregnant is like rehab
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
