Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize