I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
