ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
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