you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
