I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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