like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize