then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
