i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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